Top 10 Funniest Things That Ever Happened on My Dairy

After thirty years behind a loan desk and ten more behind a milking string in Hico, I have a few tall tales to tell, and every one of them is mine.

1. The Loan Committee Meets in My Barn

   A county loan committee holds its meeting in my Hico barn, and the cow I called Madam Chair takes her seat far too seriously.

2. The 41-Page Application and the Hungry Heifers

   My neighbor finished a 41-page loan application, set it on a fence post, and the heifers had other ideas about page order.

3. The Banker in the White Loafers

   A visiting banker arrives at my Hico dairy in spotless white loafers and learns that my muddy lane has opinions about city footwear.

4. My Rain Dance Goes Out Over a Conference Call

   A dry August call with the lender turns into a rain dance when my rooster crashes the meeting and a cloud finally shows up.

5. The Calculator and the Cow

   A Holstein steps on my desk calculator in the barn office and produces the most optimistic loan projection Hico has ever seen on paper.

6. Which Cow Is the Collateral?

   A lender asks which of my cows is the collateral, and thirty minutes later the entire herd has opinions about its title.

7. The Drive-Through Teller and the Tractor

   I pull my tractor up to a drive-through bank window in Hico, and the little pneumatic tube is not ready for what I send it.

8. The Fax Machine That Spoke in Moos

   A loan document gets faxed to my barn office and, thanks to a line noise and a curious calf, comes back sounding exactly like a cow.

9. The Year I Interviewed the Scarecrow

   A new lender asks to meet my business partner in person, and I walk him out to the hay field to meet the scarecrow with a straight face.

10. The Notary Stamp and the Barn Cat

    I leave my notary stamp on the milk house counter, and the barn cat ends up signing off on half the neighborhood paperwork in Hico.